Hearing the words "The Swine Flu" makes me hungry - is that messed up?

H1N1 is the new ebola, apparently. People are more afraid of this virus than they are of every book Stephen King has ever written. Granted, most of the panic is due to an over-exaggerating media. Those newsmen do like their panics and epidemics. But every fantasy at least has some basis in reality, right? And guess what? It's a possibility - granted, a distant one, but a possibility nonetheless - that Katelyn and I have contracted this fantastic sickness!

Awesome!

We've been sick the last couple of days. So sick, in fact, that it interfered with my getting my edits done for my agent. It sucks. I finally sent them off today though, so now I'm going to work on the proposal. Exciting! If anyone has any proposal advice, please feel free to comment, because I've never written one before.

Also, don't worry, the exciting conclusion to My Interview with a Vampire is coming soon. I've been working too hard on my mss to put it up. I'll get it done tonight or tomorrow. You guys are the best readers ever for waiting so patiently. I could hug every one of you. (Except maybe Stu - I hear he smells like onions.)

Episode 6: Return of the Spam/It's not really an episode/If it was it wouldn't be number 6/Why I'm posting less frequently

Hey all. So I haven't been posting very frequently lately, and for that I'm very sorry. Katelyn's due very soon and most of my time is devoted to her. After that, I've had edits/re-writes to do from my agent, so I've been very busy trying to get these pages ready for the publishing houses to see. It's all been pretty time-consuming, and unfortunately for you guys, the blog gets pushed to the back. Sorry!

But in apology, I'll bring back an old favorite. I recieved a spam email the other day, so I decided to post it, along with my reply, here. Enjoy!

The subject line was: I love the Cubbies!!!! (Maybe the spammer thought I lived in Chicago or something? No idea.)

Privet, my gentleman

When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody,
you want the rest of your life To start as soon as possible. This
twenty-first century letter is for my twentieth century soul. My love,
it does not matter that we never met in real world, never talked,
touched or even hold hands. I feel like I know you
already and you are the one for me. In my imagination you are just
perfect and I am dreaming about you all days and nights. We have to
patient in order to get what we want. So I am waiting for you here,
my sweet love http://love-me-cares.net/fenster/

The best of luck
Vall

===========================================

Dear Vall,

It's so weird that you felt this connection with me. The

last few days I have had an emptiness in my heart, and

I knew, simply knew, that it could only be filled through

someone who loved the Cubbies who would send me an

e-mail. You, as George McFly would say, are my density.

Here is the thing, though. I pray you are not foreign. For

if you are not a true, red-blooded American, I shall be

forced to hunt you down like the second-class citizen

you are, take you, and before killing you slowly, rip your

limbs from your body in a nasty way, and mail them to

your family members. Because, you see, God speaks to

me. And he has given me a holy quest. To see all other

nationalities, all those not native to the good ol' US of A,

burn in fiery fire. How would I find you, you may ask.

That is a good question. The answer? Magic. I'm sure

you were not aware when sending this email that you

have contacted a great wizard. The greatest American

Wizard of all time. So, in closing, stop email spamming

me, please.

Thanks.

The second writing post

This post is about writing, and I'll stick to writing this time. I promise.

Okay, so I just finished part of a MS to give to my agent and I'm extremely proud of it. The next step is to edit another MS and wait for his edits to come back on the first one. Then I will do his edits while I send him the other edited MS, then wait for those edits to come back and do those. Hopefully those will be the last edits there are.

The reason I'm telling you all this is because I don't think anyone really realizes how much editing and hard work writing is. Yes, anyone can do it, but it isn't just a sort of "I always wanted to write a book one day" kind of things. Writing a book takes a little more effort than just one day.

One of the hardest parts of writing for some people is coming up with ideas to write about. (Why do you think one of the number one questions asked at author Q and A's is "Where do you get your ideas from?" Unfortunately, there's no one answer for that. Luckily, I've never had much trouble coming up with a concept for a book, it just sort of happens. (I got the idea for the zombie books while making fun of Twilight, believe it or not.) I sometimes flounder on the story, but never enough to make me call it quits. I'll usually live in agony without being able to write for a day or two before I'm doing some mundane task and it comes to me.

Then comes the editing. Endless editing is the way I write. It's the way I suggest anyone looking to begin a writing career write. A lot of people do a first draft, second draft, and polish. This is pretty much the standard, as far as I know. What I do is read the last 10-15 pages I did before I start writing every day, fixing everything I come across that needs fixed, tightening the loose bits, and balancing the awkward sentences, phrases, and paragraphs. After that, once I've totally immersed myself in my "writing mindset" (as I call it) as well as my story, I write. I usually try to set a writing goal, but I never really stick to it. I write until I run out of the idea I'd thought of, or keep going if I get more as I go (which is usually the case), normally only stopping when life calls. (Having an almost bursting pregnant fiance makes that the case most of the time these days, and I'm sure it will be even more frequent once our son is born.) That's why I try to get a lot of writing done late at night or early in the morning, while normal people are sleeping.

After I finish the entire manuscript that way, I will do a second draft, then a polish. Sometimes, due to my heavy editing during the first draft stage, the second draft isn't much more than a polish, and the polish is more like a once-over, but there you have it. There is my process.

But wait, there's more! After that it's off to the agent, who will give me stuff to edit after going over my work with a fine-toothed comb. Then I'll do those edits. Hopefully he won't have any more after that, but it's very possible. So then I'll do those edits. Then more. Then more. Until it's absolutely perfect. (Absolutely perfect being it looks like it wasn't edited a trillion times, and I've made this tough process look easy.) Then my job takes a break for a time while my agent does his stuff.

So there it is. The second writing post. Now you know how I write my novels. Pretty exciting right? Hah.

Something more than a little irritating

Katelyn and I like to shop at Wal-Mart. And to all you Wal-Mart haters out there, I have this to say. Nyaahh nyaaaah! No, really, Wal-Mart is not as evil as one would think. Actually, they're not nearly as evil as some other big corporations, like McDonald's and Pepsi and a host of others. Don't believe me? There's a show called Penn and Teller's Bullshit. Watch the episode on Wal-Mart and learn some actual facts.

Anyhow, so we were at Wal-Mart the other night, and one of the things I love most about this store is its 20 items or less line. We never have more than 20 items, so it's a very quick way to get out of the store, because (even if I have a good book with me) waiting in line just plain sucks.

In line in front of us, however, was an evil greater than anything Wal-Mart's ever done. These two women, in an unusual display of sheer, unadulterated gall, had 40 items in their cart.

That is not in the spirit of the 20 items or less lane.

It seems they had cooked up a scheme where they would split their money in half, and then each would pay for 20 items. Thus circumventing the whole spirit of the 20 items or less lane.

Except they forgot about one thing: Richie Kray was behind them.

With a look to Katelyn that I refer to as my "Oh no she di'int look," I said, "Excuse me ma'am, don't you think you have a few more than 20 items there?"

She replied, grinning, "Naw. We's both got 20 items."

Ignoring her terrible grammar, I pressed on. "Yes, I'm aware of your little scheme. It seems only right that you go to a proper lane for people with more than 20 items. I would hate to have to get the store's manager and fill him in on the situation."

They left the 20 items or less lane without another word, their heads hung in shame.

Score one for people with an honest shopping agenda.

Richie Kray - Keyboard Destroyer

So, I've come to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe I might, in the teensiest way possible, write entirely too often. The proof of this is the poor keyboard attached to my little Toshiba Satellite laptop. For a month or so now, certain keys have been worn out, becoming very hard to press. (My quote key, for instance, takes a good half a second to hit. And if you don't think this is annoying when working on your manuscript, think again, dear reader. It is a freaking nightmare.) Today I woke up, and after making sure my beautiful fiance was doing okay (she is pregnant and about to pop, and also was not feeling well yesterday), I sat down to write as I always do. Except I noticed a teensy little problem.

My space bar had betrayed me.

I don't know why, or how, but my space bar no longer responds to me. I hit it (I hit all things I want to obey my desires) and nothing. I press it down, holding it there for a good 10 seconds, sliding all over its lanky surface, and still nothing. Why hast thou forsaken me, o space bar? O grand key of keys? O king of the keyboard, o savior of laptops? Why?!

Then I came to the conclusion that I must be a mythological beast from Ancient Egypt or Rome or some other less heard of civilization, sent into the future to destroy writing as we know it. I will ruthlessly inter each and every keyboard I come across, regardless of race, or sex, social standing, or creed. I will be methodical in my destruction. Never tiring. Always waiting to pounce on that next unsuspecting set of keys with the ferocity of a dragon with a hangover.

Either that or I really need a new computer. One of the two.

The First Writing Post

So, one of the goals of this blog, when I was convinced to start it (and let me tell you, it took quite a bit of convincing), was to post about writing. My process or whatnot, what inspires me, how I do it, all that kind of crap. I've never really thought that I was the sort of writer who got inspired though. I just sort of came up with ideas and wrote them. Simple process, right? (Hardly.) I was talking to a writing buddy of mine today, and she told me that, while she has written every day for the past month, she hasn't read ANYTHING. That's when I realized that I do get inspired. I get inspired every day.

From reading.

That's right. Everything I read, I take in. And I get inspired by it. I notice this even during a long writing session. I'll go to take a smoke break and of course I bring my book along, because I need to do something besides just sit there, right? I notice that after I'm done smoking, I'm even deeper into my "writing mindset" as I call it. I'm enthused about writing and I know I can do it. Sometimes, I'll even notice neat little literary devices or something and use something similar in my own book.

So, if anyone is an aspiring novelist, I have only this to say: Read, read, read, read, read! I go to the bookstore every other week and spend more money than I really should. I'm constantly asking everyone I know if they have any books they can recommend, and I'm always looking on the internet for something that strikes my fancy. (Yes, I just said "strikes my fancy". What are you gonna do about it? Huh?)

I guess my love of books and reading is what made me want to write in the first place. I think the first time I read a book (I won't say which, just in case it somehow gets back to the author) and thought, "Oh wow. I can do better than this" was a tipping point. What a cool thought. I stopped writing my (terrible) short stories and started work on my first novel. Which I gave up on 30 pages in--but still, the inspiration was there. Very soon after that came the day I thought "What? Vampires in high school? How lame. Zombies in high school. Now THERE'S a book." And thus my work was born.

Anyhow, this is a post about books I haven't written, and as such I'll give you guys a recent reading list and a very short review on each. Maybe you'll like them. And maybe I'll make this a regular bi-weekly or monthly post or something. A sort of reading corner, except it's not a corner, because the internet doesn't have the appropriate properties to have an actual corner, does it? Namely, dimension. We'll be sort of like the Oprah's Book Club. Except not anything like it.

Beat The Reaper by Josh Bazell

This book is just phenomenal. I'm not usually for books written in the present tense, as I think they sound too urgent, but Mr. Bazell here pulls it off like a champ (plus there is plenty of flashback and past tense in there too). It's about an ex-mafia hitman who went witness protection and became a doctor. The voice is amazing, honest, straight-forward, funny, and gritty--right up my alley. The story (really stories, since he has two storylines going on in here) is really good as well, and doesn't let up at all. Also, Josh Bazell is an actual doctor, and wrote this book while doing his residency. All in all, if I were to rate it out of five, it would get a five point two. It's that good. Even if it makes me never want to go to a hospital again.

Gil's All Fright Diner by A. Lee Martinez

This was another great book. Aside from my natural aversion towards southerner characters and books based in the south, I loved it. It's about a vampire named Earl and a werewolf named Duke who are buddies and pull into a diner one night. There's some zombies attacking said diner and Earl pretty much beats the ever-loving shit out of them (with no small amount of help from the woman who runs the place). She hires them on to help solve her problem. Except it can't be solved, because it's escalating? Why's it escalating? A teenage girl trying to bring demons to our dimension. I won't get more into the story, because I don't want to ruin it for you, but let's just say it has everything you want in a book: Hilarity, werewolves tearing shit up, zombies being zombies, ghost sex, a possessed magic eight ball, and a character named Sheriff Kopp. AWESOME BOOK.

Breathers by SG Browne

First person stories about a zombie happen to be a weak spot of mine (as you may know). This is the only one that I've come across that I haven't written. In Browne's universe, corpses happen to reanimate sometimes. And you'd think the corpse would be stoked on this, as I did, but you're wrong. It sucks. People, as it turns out, really dislike the living dead. Andy, the main character, attends an Undead Anonymous support group every week and he meets a girl there. I don't want to give any story away here either, but I highly recommend this book as well. Plus, the author is a great guy. I've emailed with him a lot and he even signed my copy and sent me a "Zombies are people too" sticker, which is currently adorning the back of the monitor on this laptop.

I've read a few more, but I've made this post long enough. Maybe I'll put them in another post, maybe not. These were the top three though, and I highly recommend all of them. Go buy them and then we can talk about them, Oprah-style (or not - I refuse to talk like Oprah).

Until then, Seacrest Out!

My Interview With a Vampire - Part 2

"Why in the world do you want garlic powder?" Katelyn asked, which seemed like a pretty reasonable question. I mean, it's not exactly in my daily routine to ask her for garlic powder.

"Uh, vampire slaying purposes," I replied. I am always honest with Katelyn, no matter what. That means if I'm trying to slay a vampire, I let her know as much.

"Okaaaay," she said, stretching out the 'a' in 'okay' like it was Mr. Fantastic's leg. You'd think she would question me further, but she didn't. She simply reached up into the cupboard and grabbed the garlic powder for me.

"Thanks baby," I said, and gave her a kiss on the forehead, then rubbed her belly (Katelyn was 8 months pregnant at this time) and ducked my head into the living room.

"Anyone want a drink?" I said, looking directly at Desmond.

"I'll have one, thanks." Janine.

Desmond shook his head. Janine said, "He's sort of a picky person."

Yeah, I'll bet. Too bad we don't have any blood on hand.

I put a few dabs of garlic powder along the rim of Janine's glass and poured her a Pepsi. Then put a few shakes in the soda itself just for luck. I was capping the garlic powder back up when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Um, what are you doing?" Katelyn asked.

I shrugged. "Hunting vampires?" I tried.

That wasn't going to work twice though. "Oh, really? Please, elaborate," Katelyn said.

"Well, I think Desmond may be a vampire. And I'm going to slay him."

"I see."

"Yeah, so now Janine will drink this garlic and he'll kiss her and get like, sick - or whatever vampires get from garlic. What do vampires get from garlic? Do you know?"

"Richie, you know there are no such things as vampires... right? Are you feeling okay?" She put the back of her hand to my forehead, checking me for a fever, apparently.

"I'm fine, baby. I need to strike a blow for righteousness, though."

"Please don't slay our friends, Richie."

"Oh, um... since you put it that way..."

Katelyn was smiling.

"Wait a minute! The vampire has you under his spell! I knew it! The vile fiend! He shall pay for using his evil magic on the woman I love! I shall avenge you, Katelyn! I shall avenge you!!!!"

With that I took off through the kitchen door with Janine's drink. Katelyn just shook her head as I went and went back to preparing the rest of the dinner. She was used to this sort of thing with me by now. Also, just so you know, I don't really believe in vampires. I wasn't about to let a little thing like reality bother me, though. Why should I? I had a blow to strike for the cause of good! And besides, it obviously doesn't bother Desmond.

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion - My Interview With a Vampire - part 3, which will definitely have at least one person stuffing a whole onion in their mouth for little to no reason whatsoever!