Wednesday, December 9, 2009

NaSWe PraMo - part 2!


This is great. I've seen some really good stuff here. Thanks to everyone who sent in one of their pranks. Just so you know you're not some weirdo off pranking alone, I'm posting my favorite that I've gotten so far. It was sent to me in an e-mail by an old friend of mine, and it's a very good example of pranks getting out of hand.

So, remember, everyone: When pranking, make sure your girlfriend doesn't have a homicidal side to her. Okay? Thanks.

So yeah, I read your blog thing and I was like, fucking awesome idea, let's make it prank day. So my buddy Kevin (whom much to his chagrin I sometimes call "Special K") is over at my place, and we're cheerfully working on finishing off this giant box of wine we spent our blood plasma money on. So this stuff is pretty strong yeah? And we're just chillin', drinking our wine and watching the hit Hollywood blockbuster "There's Something About Mary" starring Ben Stiller.
So at some point one of us, probably Kevin, says "You know, this is a little bit gay, us sitting here drinking wine together and watching a chick flick." But I said that the part where you get to see Cameron Diaz's nipples through her shirt had hetero street cred and it was ok. So we argued about it for a little while and I sort of saw his point about how it might look just a little gay if taken out of context, sort of like something from an episode of "Three's Company" or some shit.
So by this point I'm catching a little buzz, I mean about half this 5 litre box o' wine is sloshing about in my tiny tummy, so I figure I'll call Holly at work and take the piss out of her just a little and ask her to bring us some chicken parmesan. So I call up there, and the bitch who answers the phone is like, "No, she just left, she got out early. I think she said she was gonna stop by." So I'm like, fucking light bulb goes on, Prank Time!!!
Well it took me and Special K like four minutes to come up with this idea, but it was totally worth it. We were like, ok, let's strip down to our underwear and lay on the bed all comfy with our wine, and act like we were being bromantic. Pretty clever, yeah, but why stop there? So a few minutes later Kevin was in the shower with the door locked, and there I am laying on the bed totally nude with my boxers on my head and sipping a glass of red wine. Oh and there's a plate of cut up cheese next to me, and some scented candles are lit, real swanky like smelling of pumpkin spice and vanilla. And the coup de grace, so to speak - you're gonna love this part because it made me think of you - I worked up a scary big chubby that was at that very moment at full glorious attention!
So not even like 5 minutes goes by and I hear this timid little knock on the door.
"Oh! Hey! Hold up, just a second.. One sec, ok? I'm not dressed!" I keep this up for a minute until she realizes it's not locked.
Now I can literally see the door knob turning, and I'm thinking to myself, fuck, ok, now I gotta roll with this or I'm gonna look like a total fucking idiot.
So in she comes, and the first thing she does is sort of put her shit down and smell the air like, "Are you burning candles?" and then she looks over into the bedroom.
So there I am sprawled out in like a pervy J.C. pose, and Mr. Happy is doing that thing it does when you're on your back and your weiner is like defying gravity so hard it's curved like a pirate sword, and I have my wine in my hand and my boxers on my head and whatever stupid look that was on my face. So she kind of goes from what the fuck? to just busting up laughing. But then slowly I can like literally see the gears start turning and the hamster start running on his little wheel in her brain, and she goes right back to what the fuck?
"Oh heeeey.. I'm just uh, watching a movie."
She edges closer to the door and sort of peers around.
"You're watching 'Something About Mary'?" "And what the fuck? who was here??"
"Uh, no one, why?"
"There's two fucking glasses, Jonny. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON???"
So suddenly I get it.. oh shit, she thinks it's another chick! Like damn, this was poorly conceived as fuck now wasn't it?
So now I'm like, ok, I gotta play this thing off and like let her know it's just a joke and I'm evidently real bad at jokes, and we can all have a good laugh. But I don't even have time to form half a thought before - and I swear to god I saw it happen in SLOW FUCKING MOTION - her head turn towards the sound of running water in the bathroom.
Now she's instantly going for the closet, and I'm thinking, damn she's gonna pack up her shit and split. Then I realize, oh no she ain't, she's going for my fucking AR-15! And I mean, she's hysterical, half crying, teeth clenched, and she's just rifling through my shit looking for ammunition, "Where's the fucking magazine?? Where the FUCK is the FUCKING magazine?"
So now I'm up off the bed and I'm like wrestling this gun away from her, and I still have a raging boner and a pair of boxers on my head, and I'm like shit, I wonder if Cops ever films in Findlay because that would be just my fucking luck now wouldn't it?
So I get the gun away from her, and right away she's off like a fucking greyhound towards the bathroom. "You fucking slut! You got nowhere to go bitch, I can wait out here all fucking night if I have to and I'm gonna fucking KILL you!" And she's kicking the door with these little girlie kicks where she only pulls her foot back like a few inches, but I mean, she's livid as hell right, so I don't laugh or anything.
And I don't know what the fuck Kevin's doing, 'cause he's not saying a word in there, and now I'm thinking fuck this shit, just eject and come clean. So I'm telling her "Baby, baby, it's just a joke, we're just fucking with you! Seriously, it's only a joke!" And of course she's like, "A joke?! You think this is a fucking joke?! You fucking asshole, ya da ya da", and there's no talking any sense to her. I mean, she's just being totally irrational at this point and won't listen to reason.
So finally Kevin opens the door, and she's like halfway between the bedroom and the bathroom, and she like senses it opening and she turns and I mean she had this totally predatory look in her eyes that was really fucking scary, and her lip is like curled back and her incisors are gleaming all wicked and sharp, and her fists are bone white around the knuckles and I mean it's just a total mess, and before she can even take one step forward Kevin steps out all slow like, looking sort of meek and scared, and he's covering his weiner with a fucking 2 inch by 2 inch wash cloth.
And this is the weird part. I honestly don't know if at that moment she really genuinely believed I had gay sex with my friend, because she was just like "Oh. My. God." And then to make things even worse, right then on the movie Matt Dillon says, "In my spare time, I like working with retards."
Anyhow, things are better now but I think she might still have some doubts and it could get prett yweird. I'll let you know later what happens.

P.S. The scariest bit of this is when he tells me his erection reminds him of me. Yikes!