Monday, September 7, 2009

Spam email scams

So, I woke up this morning and checked my email, as I always do. I have a pretty good spam filter and to tell you the truth, normally I have a completely empty spam folder. (Unless something I forgot to click "don't email me about" comes from Facebook, that is, then it fills up really quick.) I get the occasional email disguised as being from some mysterious girl from some mysterious dating website, where she tells me - not so much in poor grammar as a complete slaughter of the English language - that she is looking for a soul mate to love her and marry her. (Or, as she puts it, a sole double to loves me like I loves myself and being with forever, like romance.) I have heard of people getting all kinds of other stuff, like male enhancement ads and scams to send money to other countries and all that, but I had never gotten one of those.

Until today.

Apparently, the President of a small African corporation would like to use my bank account to hold his 22.5 million dollars in. All I have to do is send him 10% of it for expenses, and give him my bank account info, name, and social security number (of course), and then he'll put it in my account. So naturally, I wrote a check and emailed all the info back to him as soon as I picked my jaw up off the ground.

Oh wait. I'm not completely brain-dead. I didn't do that. I wish I would have thought to not delete that email so I could post it here, but unfortunately it has gone to spam hell, never to return again, thanks to the mighty power of my delete button. I did send him a reply though, and I get a sort of kick out of it. How about you?

Dear Mr. Islamali,

Thank you for your generous offer of 22.5 million dollars. How wonderful of you to think of me when looking for a bank account to put it in. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to pass at the time, owing to the fact that my bank account is so large that I couldn't even fit another five dollars in there, let alone, 22.5 million. Of course, being so rich, I'm sure you know how it is. I encourage you to send me any more email scams you come up with though, and maybe one day we can meet up in person and swim through our large piles of money together like Uncle Scrooge from Ducktales. Is it a date? What do you look like?

Love always,

I sure hope he replies!


  1. I think my favorite part is the "What do you look like?" at the end, hahahaha.

  2. I just got this one in my email yesterday, but I have had the one you got...


    FROM THE DESK OF: Frank Stratford

    I wish to introduce myself to you am, I Frank Stratford a staff of a private offshore bank(Provident Chartered Bank plc) London office. I am the head of the Accounts department. I am pleased to get across to you for a very urgent and profitable business proposal which I believe will profit the both of us After completion. I contacted you after a careful thought that you might be capable of handling this business transaction, which I will explain Below. The sum of (£15,500,000.00 Million Pounds) is floating unclaimed in my bank as all efforts to get across to the relatives of our client who deposited
    the money have hit the stones.

    There is this client Mr.Roger Ian Wright a US businessman, founder of a Sao Paulo-based investment company. On the 22nd of May 2009, Mr. Roger Ian Wright,his wife and his two children all died in a King Air B350 plane crash seaside resort town of Trancoso,in the state of Bahia. You can find below the links pertaining to this accident.

    All attempts to trace his next of kin were fruitless. My position here at my office requires me to investigate and I therefore made further investigations and discovered that Mr.Roger Ian Wright did not declare any next of kin or relation in all his official documents, including his bank deposit paperwork in my bank. According to the British Law the money will revert to the ownership of the British government if nobody applies to claim the fund. To prevent this from happening i have decided to seek your assistance to have you stand as his next of kin so that the said fund (£15,500,000.00 million pounds), would be released in your name as the next of kin and paid into your account. All documents and proof that will have you claim this fund without stress will be forwarded to you upon your response to this mail.

    I agree to offer you (£6,000,000 million of the total sum for the assistance and role you are going to play in this transaction while the remaining would be for me.
    Please send your personal information’s (full names, address, and country of residence, state, zip, sex, age, occupation, confidential telephone and fax
    Number) in your reply to this business transaction.

    Kind regards,
    Mr. Frank Stratford.

  3. Oh man. That one's great. Thanks for sharing it here! Anyone else who'd like to post their more ridiculous spam email scams, please do so. Once everything is up and running, maybe I can hold a contest about it. That may be fun...
    Best replies to spam scams.
    Check back with me.

  4. I'm so glad the FBI is trying to help me get my millions.

    D.C. 20535-0001

    Attention Fund Beneficiary,


    This is an official advise from the FBI CRIME DEPARTMENT. It has come to our notice that the International Monetary Fund (IMF),Central Bank of Nigeria/world bank has released 10,5M US dollars into Federal Reserve Bank USA in your name as the beneficiary being for overdue Inheritant,Lottory,contract payment.

    The International Monetary Fund (IMF),Central Bank of Nigeria/world bank knowing fully well that they do not have enough facilities to effect this payment to your account, so they used what is known as secret Diplomatic transit payment (S.T.D.P) to pay this fund through wire transfer in order to complete this payment.

  5. They are still waiting for confirmation from you on the available Transferred funds which were made in direct transfer so that they can do final crediting to your account. Records which we have with this method of payment in the past has always been related to terrorist acts, we do not want you to get into trouble as soon as these funds reflect in your account in any part of the world. So it is our duty as a worldwide commission to correct this little problem before this fund will be credited into your personal account. Due to the increased difficulty and unnecessary security by the American authorities when funds come from Europe and the Middle East, the FBI bank commission stopped the transfer on its way to deliver

    We have decided to contact you directly to acquire the proper Verifications and proof from you to show that you are the rightful person to receive this fund, because of the amount involve. Note that the fund is in your name with Federal Reserve Bank USA, but we ask them not to credit the fund to you yet, because we need a solid proof and Verifications from you before releasing the funds. In this regards, you are to re-assure and proof to us that the funds you are about to receive is a clean money by sending to us Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer (DIST) to satisfy the FBI that the money you are about to receive is legitimate.

    You are advised to forward the DIST document to us immediately if you have it in your possession, if you don't then let us know so that we will direct and inform you where to obtain the DIST document and send it to us in order the Federal Reserve Bank USA to go ahead and release the money to you without any further delay. These Document is to be issued to you from our Authorized office.So get back to us immediately if you don’t have the DIST document so that we will inform you the particular place to obtain the DIST document, because we have come to realize that the fund was Authorized by (H.S.B.C) Bank in London.

    An FBI Identification Record and Diplomatic Immunity Seal of Transfer (DIST) often referred to as a Criminal History. Record or Rap Sheet is a listing of certain information taken from fingerprint submissions retained by the FBI in connection with arrests and, in some instances, federal employment, naturalization, or military service. These Condition Is Valid until 30th sept, 2009 After that, we shall take actions on Canceling the payment and then charge you for illegal funds transfer from Nigerian government.

    GUARANTEE: funds will be released on confirmation of the document.
    1. Credit payment instruction: irrevocable credit guarantee.
    2. Beneficiary has full power when validation is cleared.
    3. Beneficiaries bank in U.S.A., can only release funds.
    4. Upon confirmation from the world bank / united nations.
    5. Bearers must clear bank protocol and validation request.

    NOTE: We have asked for the above documents to make available the most complete and up-to date records possible for the enhancement of public safety, welfare and security of Society while recognizing the importance of individual privacy rights. If you fail to provide the Documents to us, we will charge you with the FBI and take our proper action against you for not proofing to us the legitimate of the fund you are about to receive. The United States Department of Justice Order 556-73 establishes rules and regulations for the subject of an FBI Identification Record to obtain a copy of his or her own Record for review. The FBI Criminal Justice Information Services (CJIS) Division processes these requests to check illegal activities in U.S.A

    We wait for your prompt response on this email:

    Best Regards,
    Robert Mueller, III
    FBI Director

  6. Ahahahahhaaaa. That's the best. I wish the FBI would make ME a millionaire!