Wednesday, September 23, 2009

My interview with a vampire - part 1

Last week I ran into an old friend from high school at the gas station. Things like "Great Gay Jesus on a Fucking Pogo Stick! You look so different!" and "Wow, Richie, you still look like you're fifteen" were said, though I won't say who said what. We had one of those awkward should we shake hands or hug moments, told each other to keep in touch, and then went on our merry ways. I thought nothing of it. It wasn't even important enough to fill Katelyn in on. I never thought I would hear from her again.

I was wrong.

She found me on Facebook the next day and added me to her friends (of which she had a steadily growing number). I accepted, not really thinking much of it. It was a little weird, yes, but we're all a little weird, aren't we? So we became Facebook friends and she posted something on my wall about how we should hang out some time and she would love to meet my fiance and I should meet hers (we did talk long enough at BP to find out both of us were engaged). I was under the impression this was just empty talk, like most Facebook wall posts saying as much are, so I agreed to it. I had no idea she was serious. How could I?

I also had no idea who her boyfriend was.

After trying a million ways to back out and getting reprimanded for each one by Katelyn (who told me I shouldn't just do that to people - it's mean), we set up a date for them to come over to our place for dinner. It was last night.

This is the very short story of last night (I think they call it flash fiction when it's fiction - what do they call it when it really happened?)


Katelyn and I sat on the couch, watching season two of Animaniacs on DVD (one of the best cartoons of all time - if you don't remember this cartoon, look it up), laughing at Wacko, Yacko, and Dot's crazy animated antics. Everything had been set up earlier (Katelyn's idea - I'm notoriously lazy and bad at things like that) so we had some time to kill before our guests arrived. Well, almost. We still had to pour drinks and pull the roast out of the oven, but that wasn't for another half-hour. They were due in fifteen minutes.

Who was due to be there? Well, it's sort of an awkward story. To make a long story short, I got forced into having a girl I went to high school with, as well as her fiance, over for dinner. I hadn't liked her much in high school and this whole forced dinner thing was not doing much for my opinion of her now, but my own fiance wanted to do it, so I relented - I am still a sucker for making her happy.

Katelyn got up to check the roast. Of course that would be when the doorbell rang. I sighed, setting my drink on the coffee table, and got up.

"Hey Janine. How are you?" I said. I stood aside and she came in.

"I'm fine," she said, removing her coat and handing it to me, even though I hadn't asked or made any gestures that would have led her to believe I wanted to take it.

I looked back through the doorway, seeing something odd and completely unexpected. A small goth looking guy in a long black trench coat, sporting greasy brown hair and a goatee stood there in the light drizzle.

"Uh, hi. I'm Richie," I said, holding out my hand for the oddball to shake it.

He took my hand and shook it. "Desmond," he said.

I stood aside for him to come in, but he simply looked up at the sky, as if he were asking God's permission before coming in.

"There's no one up there, you know," I said.


"Nothing. Are you coming in or what?"

Desmond just stood there.

Janine leaned over and whispered in my ear. "You have to invite him in."



She nodded, a sort of "please just do it" look on her face.

"Um, won't you come in, Desmond?" I said.

Desmond smiled and came in, taking off that big trench coat and tossing it directly on top of Janine's coat, which was currently draped over my arm. "This is a nice house you guys have here," he said, his eyes scanning the entryway and living room like some kind of goatee'd bird of prey.

Katelyn called in from the kitchen then. "I won't be but a minute, guys. Richie, take their coats."

"I'm on it," I called back, shrugging. I headed to the bedroom, where I balled the coats up and threw them in the corner, then shut the door behind me and laughed uncontrollably.

I've read enough books and seen enough episodes of True Blood to know what this guy is - or rather, what he thinks he is.

Then I get an idea. Maybe tonight won't be so bad after all. Maybe I could have some fun.

I go back in to the kitchen and ask Katelyn if we have any garlic powder. be continued.

P.S. For those of you looking, the posts have been deleted from my facebook and names have been changed to protect the innocent here. So don't bother!


  1. Hey, that was pretty good. When do I get to read the rest?

  2. I hear some Asians eat vampires because they think it boosts their sex drive.


  3. Very funny. I can't wait to see the rest of the post.

    I do hope you got Desmond's phone number so you can call an uninvite him (just to be on the safe side. Or once you've invited in a vampire are you, um, permanently stuck with them?)

    Also, I loved Animaniacs! I guess I should have realized it's on DVD now. Everything good (and even the not so good) is on DVD now.

  4. Animaniacs = awesome

    Now...did this really happen, or is it all just a Blair Witch via blog type of docudrama???

  5. Every bit of this is true... or I would have spent more time and the writing would be better.